My room is messy, cluttered, and a bit chaotic. I’d like to be poetic and say its a reflection of my current headspace, however in reality I know I’ve just been lazy. I thought by this age I’d be a bit better at keeping my room tidy. In fact, I didn’t think I’d still be living at home in THIS room. Yet here I am. No regrets of course, got to love the perks of a rent free lifestyle, but it’s hard when I’m at this crux in my life between wanting independence, but also not wanting to face the reality of weekly rent and bills. I just turned 23, and for the first time I’ve kind of struggled with going into a new year of life this birthday. Happy Birthday to me I guess?
For some reason I’m struggling with turning this number and the whole ‘ageing’ and ‘getting older’ deal life has seemingly thrown upon me. Now, before you start thinking, that isn’t old Amelia! I know this. But it’s the expectations and subconscious pressure I’ve put on myself over many years that make me feel a little bit anxious about going into this next year of my life. For the first time, in a lot of ways, I didn’t really enjoy my birthday, as it left me feeling isolated in this experience of feeling like I haven’t done enough for my age, and that niggling feeling of if I’m somewhat failing at life?
Fifteen year old Amelia had these unrealistic expectation of what my life would be like by this age. A whole lot more financially independent, with maybe a full time job. Living some dream-like independent land out of home, seemingly without the having to pay rent and bills part. Life hasn’t turned out quite like, the reality is, moving out costs money, which my priority for at the moment is travelling.
I feel like turning 23 almost feels like I’ve entered my first year of adulthood in that I’ve realised in a lot of ways that I need to grow up and be more proactive in my life about certain things. So many of my friends are now getting graduate jobs or are about to finish uni, and I’m in this strange sort of limbo phase within my life where I’m neither a student, nor in the career that I want. I’m working almost full time hours as a pharmacy assistant, and whilst I love a lot of aspects about my job, and the team I work with, I know it’s not what I want to do long term, and that my aspirations are in other areas. I’m trying to be better at being an adult, and be a “grown up”, but it’s also hard because I still live at home, so it’s easy to fall back into not putting that extra effort in.
I think from all this ~Amelia has yet another continuation of her quarter-life-crisis~ I need to stop overthinking, and start embracing this year. I’m single, free to make new and exciting decisions. It’ll be right. My birthday in itself was lovely, celebrated with a lot of old, close friends and had a lovely time. Next stop, Europe. Maybe after then I’ll have a better go at being a proper grown up.